This post is for the artists. The Right Brain thinkers, the Creative Crew, the often laughed at bunch in the world for “thinking with their intuition”. For the Logic-Less Lot. For some reason, lately, I have felt like a shaken up soda bottle that is just itching to explode. All the things I want to do like write a novel, direct, start a photo book compiled of my Pentax photographs, write more screenplays now that I’m over the fact that my first one got deleted in a computer crash years ago, paint, learn more about cooking, perfect my french, write a book about cooking, write a movie in french, how about DIRECT a movie about a french — it’s overwhelming. And I think at times, for us Right Brainers, it can be quite hindering to have that many things we want to accomplish. I have felt handicapped by all that I want to do. And that’s when last night, I sat watching videos on Vimeo, saw all the creative people in the world doing something with their time and realized, if you have a wish, goal or idea, you need to just do something about it. One thing before doing One Hundred things.
I have come to realize I am very critical of myself and despite how much further I get in life, I continuously tell myself I’m not as far as I should be. Some may see that as a negative thing but I just see it as a way to get further. “Next.” is my motto and in never getting into the habit of throwing my hands behind my head and kicking my feet back, I always push further. I believe I may have been born like runner at the start of a track race, crouched with my hands digging into the ground – and I haven’t stopped since the minute the referee pulled the start gun. I don’t think I’ll ever really stop and I think that’s the reason I get anything I want. And yet at the same time, it’s recently come to my attention that there is a crowd watching me. While I’m sprinting, convinced it’s not fast enough, they’re watching. People are always standing on the sidelines watching us. Whether they’re there cheering in support, there to critique, there to watch, get bored and leave- we all have a crowd. For a minute yesterday I took a step back and tried to look at my life in the eyes of my friends, family and people I’ve worked with. It’s never good to compare hardships or ignore hardships in general- but looking at your life through the eyes of someone in your Crowd really helps put things in perspective. We never see ourselves the way others watching us do. I have friends in my life who have no idea how beautiful, talented and wonderful they are. If we all took a moment to look at our lives the way other people do, we’d not only be less critical but we’d learn more about what we have to work on. And yes, this includes the negative people who are out to harm us. Actually, it’s especially those. The ones who have the audacity to judge what we do as if they have a right to. I’ve learned from them more than I have from the ones who unconditionally support me.
*the above text was written on August 24th 2013 at 2:10 pm…. and what a shocker: i never pushed “publish”.*
SO…. On October 16, 2013, I’m going to take a moment and not publish the above as if I wrote it this morning. I’m not going to delete it or modify it to make it relevant to what I have to say right now. And that’s because, somehow, it’s related.
I have an issue with asking for help. The reasons for that, I’m fully aware of after my own psychoanalysis, and will keep them to myself and those closest to me.
**and yet again… I didn’t finish my post. I got sidetracked with 1230901298309185+ other things and again… left this post incomplete.**
Let’s try this again.
October 18, 2013:
(nope. never wrote anything. It’s November now.)
November 5, 2013:
Is there a lesson to be learned here? I’m quite sure there is. Beginning something and not finishing it is not of my character usually. And I’ve never published a post that was a compilation of my random, unfinished thoughts. Everything in my life at the moment feels as if it’s floating through space and I’m trying to grab onto as much of it as I can before I too, float away. I moved apartments yet again, feel a bit out of place yet again, not working at the moment yet again, other-stuff- I-won’t-talk-about-here has also happened yet again, and as frustrating as that is- I know it’s part of the ebb & flow of Life. And I’m not alone in it.
Last night, one of my Best Friends was talking to me after a very long and trying day. To me, someone in her Crowd, I saw a beautiful, talented and creative woman who had accomplished more and seen more than most people twice her age. Upset, convinced that at her age she was far behind (27 years old) and that no one was going to want to be around someone who hadn’t “figured it out yet.” I stopped her there. “Figured it out? How boring that sounds.” I said to her. Because really, who has “Figured it out”? Sure you might figure one part of your life out but then it throws another riddle/puzzle/Mind Game at you and expects you to Figure It Out. Life would be dull if we had all the answers. Truly imagine that for a second: you knew how to solve each problem as it happened, you knew what your future guaranteed- you knew which path to take at all the Forks in the Road of Life. (Boring. I promise you. And this is coming from someone who really doesn’t feel like she’s figured anything out at the moment- she’s currently floating through space remember. Or Alice when she falls down the Rabbit Hole in slow motion-whichever you prefer.)
So where does Left & Right Brain, the Crowd of people constantly watching us, being critical of myself and Figuring it Out tie together? (Lightbulb moment you guys.) It does. Somehow this ridiculous blog post that began in August but never started makes sense now. It doesn’t matter if your left or right-brained. Doesn’t matter if you’re running as fast as a cheetah or inching along as slow as a slug. Doesn’t matter how old you are- you’re never going to Fully Figure it Out. And I’m going to openly be a hypocrite here: stop being so critical of yourself.
I’m able to appreciate the blissful moments in my life because I’m fully aware of the time’s when they were replaced by challenging ones. Right now it’s a challenging one. It’s been a string of challenges after a time where I thought that phase of life was over. But, with the help of some friends of mine that I’ve grabbed from my Crowd, and the random people I observe from in this world, I’m sure I’ll figure it out. (*insert wink face here.)