The LogicLessLot Right & The RationalReasoners Left

This post is for the artists.  The Right Brain thinkers, the Creative Crew, the often  laughed at bunch in the world for “thinking with their intuition”. For the Logic-Less Lot.   For some reason, lately, I have felt like a shaken up soda bottle that is just itching to explode.  All the things I want to do like write a novel, direct, start a photo book compiled of my Pentax photographs, write more screenplays now that I’m over the fact that my first one got deleted in a computer crash years ago, paint, learn more about cooking, perfect my french, write a book about cooking, write a movie in french, how about DIRECT a movie about a french — it’s overwhelming.  And I think at times, for us Right Brainers, it can be quite hindering to have that many things we want to accomplish.  I have felt handicapped by all that I want to do.  And that’s when last night, I sat watching videos on Vimeo, saw all the creative people in the world doing something with their time and realized, if you have a wish, goal or idea, you need to just do something about it.  One thing before doing One Hundred things.

I have come to realize I am very critical of myself and despite how much further I get in life, I continuously tell myself I’m not as far as I should be.  Some may see that as a negative thing but I just see it as a way to get further.  “Next.” is my motto and in never getting into the habit of throwing my hands behind my head and kicking my feet back, I always push further.  I believe I may have been born like runner at the start of a track race, crouched with my hands digging into the ground – and I haven’t stopped since the minute the referee pulled the start gun.  I don’t think I’ll ever really stop and I think that’s the reason I get anything I want.  And yet at the same time, it’s recently come to my attention that there is a crowd watching me.  While I’m sprinting, convinced it’s not fast enough, they’re watching.  People are always standing on the sidelines watching us.  Whether they’re there cheering in support, there to critique, there to watch, get bored and leave- we all have a crowd.  For a minute yesterday I took a step back and tried to look at my life in the eyes of my friends, family and people I’ve worked with.  It’s never good to compare hardships or ignore hardships in general- but looking at your life through the eyes of someone in your Crowd really helps put things in perspective.  We never see ourselves the way others watching us do.  I have friends in my life who have no idea how beautiful, talented and wonderful they are.  If we all took a moment to look at our lives the way other people do, we’d not only be less critical but we’d learn more about what we have to work on.  And yes, this includes the negative people who are out to harm us.  Actually, it’s especially those.  The ones who have the audacity to  judge what we do as if they have a right to.  I’ve learned from them more than I have from the ones who unconditionally support me.

*the above text was written on August 24th 2013 at 2:10 pm…. and what a shocker: i never pushed “publish”.*

SO…. On October 16, 2013, I’m going to take a moment and not publish the above as if I wrote it this morning.  I’m not going to delete it or modify it to make it relevant to what I have to say right now.   And that’s because, somehow, it’s related.

I have an issue with asking for help.  The reasons for that, I’m fully aware of after my own psychoanalysis, and will keep them to myself and those closest to me.

**and yet again… I didn’t finish my post.  I got sidetracked with 1230901298309185+ other things and again… left this post incomplete.**

Let’s try this again.

October 18, 2013:

(nope. never wrote anything. It’s November now.)

November 5, 2013:

Is there a lesson to be learned here? I’m quite sure there is.  Beginning something and not finishing it is not of my character usually.  And I’ve never published a post that was a compilation of my random, unfinished thoughts.  Everything in my life at the moment feels as if it’s floating through space and I’m trying to grab onto as much of it as I can before I too, float away.  I moved apartments yet again, feel a bit out of place yet again, not working at the moment yet again, other-stuff- I-won’t-talk-about-here has also happened yet again, and as frustrating as that is- I know it’s part of the ebb & flow of Life.  And I’m not alone in it.

Last night, one of my Best Friends was talking to me after a very long and trying day.  To me, someone in her Crowd, I saw a beautiful, talented and creative woman who had accomplished more and seen more than most people twice her age.  Upset, convinced that at her age she was far behind (27 years old) and that no one was going to want to be around someone who hadn’t “figured it out yet.”  I stopped her there.  “Figured it out? How boring that sounds.” I said to her.  Because really, who has “Figured it out”?  Sure you might figure one part of your life out but then it throws another riddle/puzzle/Mind Game at you and expects you to Figure It Out.  Life would be dull if we had all the answers.  Truly imagine that for a second: you knew how to solve each problem as it happened, you knew what your future guaranteed- you knew which path to take at all the Forks in the Road of Life.  (Boring.  I promise you. And this is coming from someone who really doesn’t feel like she’s figured anything out at the moment- she’s currently floating through space remember.  Or Alice when she falls down the Rabbit Hole in slow motion-whichever you prefer.)

So where does Left & Right Brain, the Crowd of people constantly watching us, being critical of myself and Figuring it Out tie together? (Lightbulb moment you guys.)  It does.  Somehow this ridiculous blog post that began in August but never started makes sense now.  It doesn’t matter if your left or right-brained.  Doesn’t matter if you’re running as fast as a cheetah or inching along as slow as a slug.  Doesn’t matter how old you are- you’re never going to Fully Figure it Out.  And I’m going to openly be a hypocrite here: stop being so critical of yourself.

I’m able to appreciate the blissful moments in my life because I’m fully aware of the time’s when they were replaced by challenging ones.  Right now it’s a challenging one.  It’s been a string of challenges after a time where I thought that phase of life was over.  But, with the help of some friends of mine that I’ve grabbed from my Crowd, and the random people I observe from in this world, I’m sure I’ll figure it out.  (*insert wink face here.)

 

Writing a Blog in my Brain

I will be sure to write something from my Mind Vault sometime soon.  I just realized I hadn’t written since April… oh for shame.  I’ve been writing and commenting on things via my good old Daydreaming Mind… yet apparently there is not a technology yet to automatically transfer it to my blog. 

So, I have not forgotten, simply just been overwhelmed with what on earth to keep for myself and what to share. Just so many thoughts and Life Commentary buzzing through my head everyday. Too many thoughts and ideas- oh what a wonderful problem to have in 2012 when so many people’s thoughts get zapped from technology.  

TBC… 

seeing not looking

(she gave me more insight than I get from most conversations with people.)

I had a moment today. It was gorgeous outside, so on my walk back to the car, I stopped on the sidewalk and closed my eyes while I tilted my head towards the sky.  It was the perfect moment in the day where the morning officially becomes the afternoon and it’s not too hot or cold. (In Los Angeles at least.) Only for a few seconds did I stand there with the sun on my eyelids and then I continued on my walk to the car.

Opened the door, sat in the driver’s seat and out of the corner of my eye saw something in my hair that I automatically assumed was a leaf or a bug.  I instinctively shook it out, only to realize it was actually a ladybug.  Realizing this, I tried to scoop her back up but her wing seemed ruffled.  Finally on my right pointer finger, I rolled my window down with my free hand in an attempt to help her out the window.  Instead, she fell into the window crease, which meant I couldn’t roll it back up or she would be squashed-

(I know many of you are rolling your eyes “she’s seriously talking about a lady bug for this long?”)

bear with me.

I spent a good 15 minutes trying to help her out of the window.  After an arduous rescue and what I thought would surely be the end of this little red and black bug, she finally escaped and was perched on the door- wing apparently now just fine.  But she didn’t fly off, or scurry to safety.  She turned around and faced me and as I lowered my eyes closer, I could see she was methodically cleaning her face.  And after about 2 minutes of this, she flew off.

I could have told you that today I sat in my car and a lady bug was in my hair.   I could have chosen to not tell you at all.  But I went into detail for a reason.  Here is my reason:

We don’t pay attention to detail anymore.  Human Beings are becoming numb to the beautiful details in life.  We are numbing ourselves at a rapid pace with all different forms of escape.  Cell phones that now are no longer just used for the sole purpose of a phone call.  A phone call in itself is becoming a thing of the past now that there is video chatting, text messaging, email, social networks and any other form of connectivity between yourself and people you don’t actually see every day.  The internet, our iPods, our iPhones, tablets of all different brands, laptops, earphones, bluetooth, tumblr- even this blog.  And yes, to acknowledge what some of you are already thinking: I am guilty of it too.  I use all of those forms of technology.  But I make a conscious effort not to let it numb me.  I don’t let the Sensory Overload take away from the 5 Senses I was born with.  People are losing touch with what it means to be human.  They’re taking the privileges of being a human being for granted.

To See
To Hear
To Taste
To Smell
To Touch

(All things that we now sometimes acknowledge but don’t actually appreciate.)

While I appreciate the perks to the century I live in, such as being able to talk to family across the country, I will continue to live my life only through detail.  It’s so much more colorful that way.  Even if just for a moment in your day, try to not just Look, but See what’s in front of you.  The details in the chips and nicks on a coffee cup, the smoke curls from a polluting truck on the freeway, the one wrinkle in someone’s button down shirt that they clearly missed while ironing, the veins in a leaf, the shape of one grain of raw sugar, the birds that all gather on top of a traffic light as they watch us pass under them, and above all, watch the people.  The intricacies of Humanity are by far, the most fascinating details of all.

the things we remember…

aside from the style of the glasses... nothing much has changed.

I used to steal my Mom’s prescription glasses, grandfathers tweed coat and enjoy at-home haircuts. She never said no, let us run wild with our imagination and play dress up even if it ended up as our outfit that day.

When we asked if we could help her in the kitchen while she cooked, she would give us each our own bowl with flour and water. We’d sit on the floor and make “dough”. Dough people, dough pizza, dough buildings – all while getting flour on our face and in our hair.  (that was our idea of helping her in the kitchen.)

When we asked why a candle melts and then gets hard again, she would let us take melted wax and drip it on the floor to make “paintings”.  In child-like fascination we’d watch as the wax turned from liquid to solid. (that was our idea of fun.)

She used to make dolls.  Out of clay, out of cloth, or sometimes both.  And then each would be hand painted. So…

When we asked if we could help, she didn’t give us “kid” paint.  She shared her expensive “special” paint.  But when I spilled that paint all over the table, there was no reprimand or anger.  Instead, she placed her brush down, gently took my hands, and pressed them into the puddle of spilled paint, and stamped it on the table. She let us paint our palms in colors Blue, Pink and Yellow, and leave our handprints all over the round oak table.  We had that table for years. (that was our idea of art.)

There are so many little things; so many tiny gestures from our childhoods that shape us into adults.  I wasn’t told “no” and I wasn’t told “that’s impossible”.  Wasn’t told “you’re doing this wrong” and wasn’t scolded for making a mistake.  Because of that, expressing myself and falling flat on my face has never been a concern of mine.  Since the time I was little, looking like a fool or “out of the box” was embraced by my Mother.  So photos like this, where I’m cross eyed from prescription glasses, with the chapped lips I couldn’t get rid of, the old man tweed coat and DIY Haircut don’t embarrass me at all.  It just reminds me that embracing your “weird side” is the most liberating thing you can do for yourself.

What if…

It is 4:54 pm and I’m sitting here on this Sunday evening in 26 degree New York City, still in my pajamas from this morning, wrapped up in a scarf, leggings, mismatched knee high socks over said leggings, and a man sized thermal shirt.  (lets be honest, the men’s section is the only place to go when it comes to sweatshirts, and pajama sized t-shirts/thermals). My glasses are still on, and my hair is insanely curly from some new product I tried at Sephora yesterday. 

I just looked at the clock again and realized this: I haven’t really moved today.

(and it was spectacular.)

I drowned myself in music, journaling and reading, only moving to go to the kitchen for food.  Sometimes we need these days.  In fact, they are mandatory for staying sane, in my book. 

So today, as I sat and stared at my pair of socks that were not technically a “Pair”, I realized I love contradiction.  Maybe it’s the secret to chemistry, and why people are drawn to each other.  Opposites.  It makes the perfect balance.  Yin/Yang. Two extremes don’t work and contradictions are actually just Balance.  I need days where I go to the gym, eat right, run errands- when I am productive, busy and multi-tasking everything that comes my way.

And then I need days where I vedge, indulge in the Lazy Life and eat anything made and packaged in a Factory that would make a Nutritionist weep.

I used to be convinced that the one place for me would be this city.  New York, NY.  The wonderful pulsating city that used to be home to a 212 area code, now home to a 917. The place that truly never sleeps.   And it still is the best place for me to be, in the sense that it is just as chaotic, calm, fast and eager as I am.  But to only stay here, or one place for that matter, isn’t who I am.   I need to move.  I need to always be thrown in the opposite direction, otherwise I feel stagnant. 

So a few months ago, I impulsively (of course) bought a one-way ticket to L.A. for January.  At the time, I didn’t have a place to stay, a car, the money to get there or even the slightest idea if I’d be able to go.   Some of those issues have yet to still be solved, but I just assume it will work out.

(and it usually does.)

That frame of mind that I have, where  I think “everything will somehow, someway work out” is in itself a “contradictory statement” for me to make.  Because half of me knows it will work out.  Half of me catches myself in a state of Panic and that deathly thought… “but what if….”

And then I remember: “What If….” Can also be followed by something wonderful. 

What if the money just comes when I need it? 
What if the job you’re looking for and need employs you at just the right moment?
What if someone shows up and really does care about you, and turns your Life Story to that of something that only happens in the movies?
What if…. All your dreams actually do come true, and what if you just end up happy?

That can happen, and honestly I’m just going to continue expecting it to.  Because as much as I am equally guilty of the Panic, the negative “But What If it doesn’t???!” I also know that good things can happen too.  Becoming jaded is an awful feeling, and a very easy emotion for humans to adopt.  I’ve had my encounters with the Jaded Mentality and it leaves you so calloused and bitter.  So angry and hateful towards the world that it can actually stop you from experiencing something wonderful.  The truth is, life is hard. 

Struggles.  
Hard times, low points in your life.  
Obstacles that we have to overcome.  

I know I’ve had them and continue to have them, but so does everyone else.  They’re just different struggles.  My issue doesn’t have to do with the struggles themselves, my issue is with the people who compare their struggles.  Life is hard for everyone, and I think the worst thing we can do is compare hardships.  No doubt there is always someone that is worse off than you, and dealing with pains and struggles far more devastating.  But that’s not the point.  It’s still pain; it still takes strength to overcome these challenges.  And as human beings, we are all living a life in the same world and just trying to figure out what the next step is.  There are days where I know I’m treading water.  And it may not be swimming but at least it’s not drowning.  People need to stop comparing their issues with each other.  When someone says “it could be worse…” I understand that a few of those people are genuinely trying to show you how your situation isn’t that bad.  And you know what? It probably could be worse.  But sometimes we just need someone to say “yes it sucks. Life’s hard, what you’re going through is painful, awful, and you are 100% justified in your feelings. Cry and let it out.”

So I don’t compare.  I don’t say that my day was worse than yours because it was My day in My life.  Your day, in your Life.  So let it out, scream, have a few seconds of being jaded and then go back to “What if…. It all ends up working out?”

 

I don’t know how to write an organized post.  I could not even write an organized essay when I was in high school.  We were taught to follow a “5 paragraph Format” and I rebelled against it with all of my being.  Since when is the human thought process a “Format”?  We have hundreds of thousands of thoughts a day, so to sit down and talk about One Thought and stay on point, is a serious challenge.  And somehow, in the chaos we find that it was actually pretty organized.  So if you don’t see how any of what I talked about is related… look closer. 

 

Unintentional & Unconditional Giving

Gifts given, without the intention of giving?
(The best form of a gift you can give.)

Every morning I wake up: Usually after 7 alarms sounding from my phone. ( I intentionally set usually about 6 or 7 since the first one or two never work. I also have a fear of being late.)
Groggily shove on my glasses.
Make the coffee that I set out the night before and watch it brew like my life depends on it.
(Which it probably does. Or at least the days productivity relies on it.)
I then sit and meditate while the caffeine runs through my system.  There is a clarity that comes from this moment every morning, and sometimes a realization.   I’ll get back to that realization in just a second.  First, here’s how it ended up waltzing into my mind in the first place:

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.  A day that revolves around a massive feast, leaving us all in a Food-Coma.  For me, Thanksgiving is just another holiday, the only difference being that it involves turkey, stuffing and other delicious objects.  It’s definitely got the best message out of all the holidays, but I am grateful for everything I have every single day and I don’t believe we should acknowledge what we are grateful for on only 1 out of the 365 days of the year.  One thing that I did notice though as I said hello to people, and scrolled through various social networking “status” updates, was how most people only focus on the “Thanks” half of “Thanksgiving”.  Saying Thank You is wonderful and important, but what about the Giving? Or the meaning of what it is to “give”?  It’s probably even more important than saying Thank You.  If you think about it, Thank You makes you the “Given” or the Receiver.  That brings up what the meaning of Giving actually is.  I can give someone a beautifully wrapped present, I can give someone a favor, I can give them my advice, give my love, give money, give my help.  But it boils down to how  or why I give something.  So many times people “give” conditionally.  With motives and hidden agendas and that only leaves the Receiver jaded.  If you can’t give unconditionally, you’re not giving at all.   But if you can give just for the sake of giving?  If you can give the homeless man 5 bucks and not think about whether he’ll go by a Beer or a Bagel? You’re a better person for it.

But the best kind of gift… is when you’re unaware of something you gave to another.

(which brings me back to that realization from earlier.)

This morning, somehow my thoughts led to an experience I recently had; a good experience, and one that I was completely unaware of in that moment. I was in a situation where I was dissecting the human emotion of being vulnerable.  That soft spot in all of us that we usually protect.  For some it’s easier than others to access that “spot” in us.  There are so many times in life when we don’t understand “why” something has to happen.  In that moment, it may be something ordinary, or something painful, or something that goes unnoticed.  Until days, months or years later when you realize “why” it had to happen.  Or how different your life would be if that one thing hadn’t occurred at that moment in your life.  Maybe that’s the funny part about each day that goes by.  We think we’re controlling it and think we’re customizing our own routines, when in reality, there are so many details and factors that go into the outcome of our life.  Whether you believe in fate, destiny or any of that “controlled-by-the-universe” way of thinking isn’t the point.  It’s that you continue to do your best every day in furthering yourself while allowing the variables to occur at the same time.    This person indirectly taught me so much about myself, and it was such a special gift and lesson that I can’t even go into detail about it here.  All I know is that on a personal level, on a professional level and an intellectual level it was the best gift I’ve ever been given.  And they don’t even know it.

I can think of many people who have given me things without intending to do so.  There are so many people who come in and out of our lives, and even the negative ones (maybe even more so with the negative ones) give us something that they probably didn’t mean to.   So this thanksgiving, I’m grateful for everyone I’ve ever met; both positive and negative.  Because they all taught me something, and whatever lesson I learned was a gift.  Sometimes the worst experiences are my most cherished.  We should all make the attempt to not only be the Receiver saying “Thank You” but also the Giver saying “You’re Welcome.”

The only outcome of quitting: Regret.

I don’t have a regular “blogging” pattern.  Unfortunately I can go months without writing, but I realized that it’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I can only write about something that inspires me, bothers me and itches that part of my brain that screams with a hand up in the air “I have something to say about that!”

So being that I have the luxury of writing for myself and no deadlines to make, I wait.  And then, like the other day, something occurs, lighting a flame to that Opinion inside me.

(and, well, opinions should be voiced, especially since there is no arguing them).

Recently, I was asked by someone : “so if in a few years things don’t work out and your dreams aren’t taking off would you quit and do something else?”

I blinked twice. Stared at this person as if I had just been asked if I’d like to go back to highschool and take Algebra II again. Or go for a swim in the Arctic Ocean. Or give up drinking coffee. Or maybe they said the whole question in Chinese because honestly I didn’t even know how to respond to it.

“QUIT??”  I thought to myself in disbelief.

The only response that came out of my mouth was “I don’t know what the word ‘quit’ means. So to answer your question: no.”

I did not grow up with the words “failure” , “quit”, or “boredom” in my vocabulary.  They never even crossed my mind.  My brothers and I grew up with a mother who told us we could accomplish anything we set our minds to.  Children do not think “How?” when they’ve got a goal in mind.  They just go until they get it.  And if it doesn’t work out as they planned? The only question is “Why not?”

If adults thought more like those children they used to be, they’d probably have more answers to all of the stress inducing circumstances in life.

So I thought all day about this persons question of why I continued on a path that was not “reliable”.  Why do we look at the Arts as an “unreliable” path?  So many children every day are told not to pursue a career in music, art, dance, theater, film, writing- and it always baffles me.  Becoming the #1 surgeon in America doesn’t look any easier than the industry I’ve pursued, and that is simply just because I would not know or be interested in the first thing related to becoming a doctor of any sort.  I think the only way you can be a “successful” person is if you’ve pursued what you’re passionate about while being able to live comfortably.  Success is not defined by your financial status alone, but your morals, integrity, humility and respect for yourself and those who help you.  Yes, so many people struggle every day financially because of a career path that didn’t work out.  We all know how many actors are unemployed and obviously you have to make a living somehow.  So find a way to make money, while continuing what you love.

I’ve spoken to people who live very comfortably, have beautiful homes, go on vacations and eat out regularly.  But when they speak of ‘happiness’ there is a hint of sadness in their eyes, despite what words are coming out of their mouth.  Then there are people I’ve had conversations with, who may not have millions but they never stopped the pursuit of their passion.  And they look happy.  It got me to thinking about “Regret”.  Why do people “regret” things? If you think about it, they are pointless because all regrets exist in the past- there’s nothing you can do to change them.  Yet we all speak of them.  I’ve always believed that if every single day you listened to your intuition and not the opinions influenced by others, you won’t have regrets.  If you ignored your gut or intuition, then yes I do understand “regret”.  Because deep down a voice was screaming at you to handle a situation differently- and it was ignored.

(I just made a lot of people angry with that statement. )

“Yes you will always have regrets! That’s like saying you’re never going to make mistakes.  Are you saying that you don’t wish you could go back and change something, or do it differently?!”

No. That is not what I am saying.  But to answer that question, no I do not have regrets.  ( I know, also that there will be plenty of scoffing at this entry, since I am only 20 and still have lots of Life to Live).  Yet that does not mean that the 20 years on earth I’ve had didn’t leave room for mistakes or choices that I made.

And I have most certainly made a lot of decisions that have changed my life.  And I do not regret a single one.  Every time I look back at something I chose to do, a path I chose to take, I realize there was a reason it had to happen. (Even if I did not know the reason at the time.)  Also, each choice was my own and not someone else’s.  If in the moment of making a decision, you are doing what you see as the best solution, genuinely, then there is no room for “regret”.

So. What does “regret” have to do with my refusal to quit any dream of mine?  They are completely related.  Because the moment I quit will be the moment I have a regret larger than the universe.  At the end of my life at least I can say that I was responsible for how it turned out.  Without doubt, there are times where we find ourselves in bad circumstances.  Often, sometimes we may blame someone or other people for why we are in a messy situation.  But the truth is, that in the end, only we can change that and that is why I only listen to myself.  At the same time, we don’t have all the answers.  That’s where those dear people in our life come to give us advise or perspective, and it is always good to listen to each and every one.  Yet after I’ve pooled together everyone’s suggestions, I make my own decision.  I think that’s the only way I can lead an authentic life.

I’ve chosen to do some crazy things and relied solely on my instinct.  Sometimes it pans out and sometimes it doesn’t, but I’ve never regretted anything for even a second.  The industry I’m in is a challenging one, yet so is the world of journalism, fashion, finance, medicine and politics.  I think we all owe it to ourselves to decide what is “realistic” by focusing on the one thing we feel best doing.

The ending to my ramble? Yes. I believe we can do whatever we tell ourselves we can.  I believe that negative thoughts are paralyzing and therefore I only write and think about things that some people believe belong only on a corny greeting card.  I feel bad for anyone who has not found their purpose or passion in life and can’t fathom the thought of waking up with an empty pit in my stomach just because I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with the one life we are given.  So I’ll continue to wake up every day and envision the best possible outcome, because what is the point of imagining the alternative?  Well, there is no point to the negative.  It does not get us anywhere, it doesn’t make us feel better, it only enrages and scares us into a hole of fear that becomes almost impossible to escape from.

So either you like what I wrote, or you don’t.  Maybe you agree, or maybe you think I don’t know what I’m talking about and dreams are meant for Disney movies.  Either way, I’m happy today because I don’t believe in the word “Quit”.

(and those Disney movies all have good endings. just sayin’)

this is a ring my mother gave me a few years ago. it is a simple silver band that reads "wishes do come true" ( I wear it on my middle finger.)