aside from the style of the glasses... nothing much has changed.

I used to steal my Mom’s prescription glasses, grandfathers tweed coat and enjoy at-home haircuts. She never said no, let us run wild with our imagination and play dress up even if it ended up as our outfit that day.

When we asked if we could help her in the kitchen while she cooked, she would give us each our own bowl with flour and water. We’d sit on the floor and make “dough”. Dough people, dough pizza, dough buildings- all while getting flour on our face and in our hair.  (that was our idea of helping her in the kitchen.)

When we asked why a candle melts and then gets hard again, she would let us take melted wax and drip it on the floor to make “paintings”.  In child-like fascination we’d watch as the wax turned from liquid to solid. (that was our idea of fun.)

She used to make dolls.  Out of clay, out of cloth, or sometimes both.  And then each would be hand painted. So…

When we asked if we could help, she didn’t give us “kid” paint.  She shared her expensive “special” paint.  But when that paint spilled all over the table, there was no reprimand or anger.  She took our hands, let us paint our palms in colors Blue, Pink and Yellow, and stamp our handprints all over the round oak table.  We had that table for years. (that was our idea of art.)

There are so many little things; so many tiny gestures from our childhoods that shape us into adults.  I wasn’t told “no” and I wasn’t told “that’s impossible”.  Wasn’t told “you’re doing this wrong” and wasn’t scolded for making a mistake.  Because of that, expressing myself and falling flat on my face has never been a concern of mine.  Since the time I was little, looking like a fool or “out of the box” was embraced by my Mother.  So photos like this, where I’m cross eyed from prescription glasses, with the chapped lips I couldn’t get rid of, the old man tweed coat and DIY Haircut don’t embarrass me at all.  It just reminds me that embracing your “weird side” is the most liberating thing you can do for yourself.

I just looked at the clock again and realized this: I haven’t really moved today.

(and it was spectacular.)

I drowned myself in music, journaling and reading, only moving to go to the kitchen for food.  Sometimes we need these days.  In fact, they are mandatory for staying sane, in my book. 

So today, as I sat and stared at my pair of socks that were not technically a “Pair”, I realized I love contradiction.  Maybe it’s the secret to chemistry, and why people are drawn to each other.  Opposites.  It makes the perfect balance.  Yin/Yang. Two extremes don’t work and contradictions are actually just Balance.  I need days where I go to the gym, eat right, run errands- when I am productive, busy and multi-tasking everything that comes my way.

And then I need days where I vedge, indulge in the Lazy Life and eat anything made and packaged in a Factory that would make a Nutritionist weep.

I used to be convinced that the one place for me would be this city.  New York, NY.  The wonderful pulsating city that used to be home to a 212 area code, now home to a 917. The place that truly never sleeps.   And it still is the best place for me to be, in the sense that it is just as chaotic, calm, fast and eager as I am.  But to only stay here, or one place for that matter, isn’t who I am.   I need to move.  I need to always be thrown in the opposite direction, otherwise I feel stagnant. 

So a few months ago, I impulsively (of course) bought a one-way ticket to L.A. for January.  At the time, I didn’t have a place to stay, a car, the money to get there or even the slightest idea if I’d be able to go.   Some of those issues have yet to still be solved, but I just assume it will work out.

(and it usually does.)

That frame of mind that I have, where  I think “everything will somehow, someway work out” is in itself a “contradictory statement” for me to make.  Because half of me knows it will work out.  Half of me catches myself in a state of Panic and that deathly thought… “but what if….”

And then I remember: “What If….” Can also be followed by something wonderful. 

What if the money just comes when I need it? 
What if the job you’re looking for and need employs you at just the right moment?
What if someone shows up and really does care about you, and turns your Life Story to that of something that only happens in the movies?
What if…. All your dreams actually do come true, and what if you just end up happy?

That can happen, and honestly I’m just going to continue expecting it to.  Because as much as I am equally guilty of the Panic, the negative “But What If it doesn’t???!” I also know that good things can happen too.  Becoming jaded is an awful feeling, and a very easy emotion for humans to adopt.  I’ve had my encounters with the Jaded Mentality and it leaves you so calloused and bitter.  So angry and hateful towards the world that it can actually stop you from experiencing something wonderful.  The truth is, life is hard. 

Struggles.  
Hard times, low points in your life.  
Obstacles that we have to overcome.  

I know I’ve had them and continue to have them, but so does everyone else.  They’re just different struggles.  My issue doesn’t have to do with the struggles themselves, my issue is with the people who compare their struggles.  Life is hard for everyone, and I think the worst thing we can do is compare hardships.  No doubt there is always someone that is worse off than you, and dealing with pains and struggles far more devastating.  But that’s not the point.  It’s still pain; it still takes strength to overcome these challenges.  And as human beings, we are all living a life in the same world and just trying to figure out what the next step is.  There are days where I know I’m treading water.  And it may not be swimming but at least it’s not drowning.  People need to stop comparing their issues with each other.  When someone says “it could be worse…” I understand that a few of those people are genuinely trying to show you how your situation isn’t that bad.  And you know what? It probably could be worse.  But sometimes we just need someone to say “yes it sucks. Life’s hard, what you’re going through is painful, awful, and you are 100% justified in your feelings. Cry and let it out.”

So I don’t compare.  I don’t say that my day was worse than yours because it was My day in My life.  Your day, in your Life.  So let it out, scream, have a few seconds of being jaded and then go back to “What if…. It all ends up working out?”

I don’t know how to write an organized post.  I could not even write an organized essay when I was in high school.  We were taught to follow a “5 paragraph Format” and I rebelled against it with all of my being.  Since when is the human thought process a “Format”?  We have hundreds of thousands of thoughts a day, so to sit down and talk about One Thought and stay on point, is a serious challenge.  And somehow, in the chaos we find that it was actually pretty organized.  So if you don’t see how any of what I talked about is related… look closer. 

Every morning I wake up: Usually after 7 alarms sounding from my phone. ( I intentionally set usually about 6 or 7 since the first one or two never work. I also have a fear of being late.)
Groggily shove on my glasses.
Make the coffee that I set out the night before and watch it brew like my life depends on it.
(Which it probably does. Or at least the days productivity relies on it.)
I then sit and meditate while the caffeine runs through my system.  There is a clarity that comes from this moment every morning, and sometimes a realization.   I’ll get back to that realization in just a second.  First, here’s how it ended up waltzing into my mind in the first place:

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.  A day that revolves around a massive feast, leaving us all in a Food-Coma.  For me, Thanksgiving is just another holiday, the only difference being that it involves turkey, stuffing and other delicious objects.  It’s definitely got the best message out of all the holidays, but I am grateful for everything I have every single day and I don’t believe we should acknowledge what we are grateful for on only 1 out of the 365 days of the year.  One thing that I did notice though as I said hello to people, and scrolled through various social networking “status” updates, was how most people only focus on the “Thanks” half of “Thanksgiving”.  Saying Thank You is wonderful and important, but what about the Giving? Or the meaning of what it is to “give”?  It’s probably even more important than saying Thank You.  If you think about it, Thank You makes you the “Given” or the Receiver.  That brings up what the meaning of Giving actually is.  I can give someone a beautifully wrapped present, I can give someone a favor, I can give them my advice, give my love, give money, give my help.  But it boils down to how  or why I give something.  So many times people “give” conditionally.  With motives and hidden agendas and that only leaves the Receiver jaded.  If you can’t give unconditionally, you’re not giving at all.   But if you can give just for the sake of giving?  If you can give the homeless man 5 bucks and not think about whether he’ll go by a Beer or a Bagel? You’re a better person for it.

But the best kind of gift… is when you’re unaware of something you gave to another.

(which brings me back to that realization from earlier.)

This morning, somehow my thoughts led to an experience I recently had; a good experience, and one that I was completely unaware of in that moment. I was in a situation where I was dissecting the human emotion of being vulnerable.  That soft spot in all of us that we usually protect.  For some it’s easier than others to access that “spot” in us.  There are so many times in life when we don’t understand “why” something has to happen.  In that moment, it may be something ordinary, or something painful, or something that goes unnoticed.  Until days, months or years later when you realize “why” it had to happen.  Or how different your life would be if that one thing hadn’t occurred at that moment in your life.  Maybe that’s the funny part about each day that goes by.  We think we’re controlling it and think we’re customizing our own routines, when in reality, there are so many details and factors that go into the outcome of our life.  Whether you believe in fate, destiny or any of that “controlled-by-the-universe” way of thinking isn’t the point.  It’s that you continue to do your best every day in furthering yourself while allowing the variables to occur at the same time.    This person indirectly taught me so much about myself, and it was such a special gift and lesson that I can’t even go into detail about it here.  All I know is that on a personal level, on a professional level and an intellectual level it was the best gift I’ve ever been given.  And they don’t even know it.

I can think of many people who have given me things without intending to do so.  There are so many people who come in and out of our lives, and even the negative ones (maybe even more so with the negative ones) give us something that they probably didn’t mean to.   So this thanksgiving, I’m grateful for everyone I’ve ever met; both positive and negative.  Because they all taught me something, and whatever lesson I learned was a gift.  Sometimes the worst experiences are my most cherished.  We should all make the attempt to not only be the Receiver saying “Thank You” but also the Giver saying “You’re Welcome.”

So being that I have the luxury of writing for myself and no deadlines to make, I wait.  And then, like the other day, something occurs, lighting a flame to that Opinion inside me.

(and, well, opinions should be voiced, especially since there is no arguing them).

Recently, I was asked by someone : “so if in a few years things don’t work out and your dreams aren’t taking off would you quit and do something else?”

I blinked twice. Stared at this person as if I had just been asked if I’d like to go back to highschool and take Algebra II again. Or go for a swim in the Arctic Ocean. Or give up drinking coffee. Or maybe they said the whole question in Chinese because honestly I didn’t even know how to respond to it.

“QUIT??”  I thought to myself in disbelief.

The only response that came out of my mouth was “I don’t know what the word ‘quit’ means. So to answer your question: no.”

I did not grow up with the words “failure” , “quit”, or “boredom” in my vocabulary.  They never even crossed my mind.  My brothers and I grew up with a mother who told us we could accomplish anything we set our minds to.  Children do not think “How?” when they’ve got a goal in mind.  They just go until they get it.  And if it doesn’t work out as they planned? The only question is “Why not?”

If adults thought more like those children they used to be, they’d probably have more answers to all of the stress inducing circumstances in life.

So I thought all day about this persons question of why I continued on a path that was not “reliable”.  Why do we look at the Arts as an “unreliable” path?  So many children every day are told not to pursue a career in music, art, dance, theater, film, writing- and it always baffles me.  Becoming the #1 surgeon in America doesn’t look any easier than the industry I’ve pursued, and that is simply just because I would not know or be interested in the first thing related to becoming a doctor of any sort.  I think the only way you can be a “successful” person is if you’ve pursued what you’re passionate about while being able to live comfortably.  Success is not defined by your financial status alone, but your morals, integrity, humility and respect for yourself and those who help you.  Yes, so many people struggle every day financially because of a career path that didn’t work out.  We all know how many actors are unemployed and obviously you have to make a living somehow.  So find a way to make money, while continuing what you love.

I’ve spoken to people who live very comfortably, have beautiful homes, go on vacations and eat out regularly.  But when they speak of ‘happiness’ there is a hint of sadness in their eyes, despite what words are coming out of their mouth.  Then there are people I’ve had conversations with, who may not have millions but they never stopped the pursuit of their passion.  And they look happy.  It got me to thinking about “Regret”.  Why do people “regret” things? If you think about it, they are pointless because all regrets exist in the past- there’s nothing you can do to change them.  Yet we all speak of them.  I’ve always believed that if every single day you listened to your intuition and not the opinions influenced by others, you won’t have regrets.  If you ignored your gut or intuition, then yes I do understand “regret”.  Because deep down a voice was screaming at you to handle a situation differently- and it was ignored.

(I just made a lot of people angry with that statement. )

“Yes you will always have regrets! That’s like saying you’re never going to make mistakes.  Are you saying that you don’t wish you could go back and change something, or do it differently?!”

No. That is not what I am saying.  But to answer that question, no I do not have regrets.  ( I know, also that there will be plenty of scoffing at this entry, since I am only 20 and still have lots of Life to Live).  Yet that does not mean that the 20 years on earth I’ve had didn’t leave room for mistakes or choices that I made.

And I have most certainly made a lot of decisions that have changed my life.  And I do not regret a single one.  Every time I look back at something I chose to do, a path I chose to take, I realize there was a reason it had to happen. (Even if I did not know the reason at the time.)  Also, each choice was my own and not someone else’s.  If in the moment of making a decision, you are doing what you see as the best solution, genuinely, then there is no room for “regret”.

So. What does “regret” have to do with my refusal to quit any dream of mine?  They are completely related.  Because the moment I quit will be the moment I have a regret larger than the universe.  At the end of my life at least I can say that I was responsible for how it turned out.  Without doubt, there are times where we find ourselves in bad circumstances.  Often, sometimes we may blame someone or other people for why we are in a messy situation.  But the truth is, that in the end, only we can change that and that is why I only listen to myself.  At the same time, we don’t have all the answers.  That’s where those dear people in our life come to give us advise or perspective, and it is always good to listen to each and every one.  Yet after I’ve pooled together everyone’s suggestions, I make my own decision.  I think that’s the only way I can lead an authentic life.

I’ve chosen to do some crazy things and relied solely on my instinct.  Sometimes it pans out and sometimes it doesn’t, but I’ve never regretted anything for even a second.  The industry I’m in is a challenging one, yet so is the world of journalism, fashion, finance, medicine and politics.  I think we all owe it to ourselves to decide what is “realistic” by focusing on the one thing we feel best doing.

The ending to my ramble? Yes. I believe we can do whatever we tell ourselves we can.  I believe that negative thoughts are paralyzing and therefore I only write and think about things that some people believe belong only on a corny greeting card.  I feel bad for anyone who has not found their purpose or passion in life and can’t fathom the thought of waking up with an empty pit in my stomach just because I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with the one life we are given.  So I’ll continue to wake up every day and envision the best possible outcome, because what is the point of imagining the alternative?  Well, there is no point to the negative.  It does not get us anywhere, it doesn’t make us feel better, it only enrages and scares us into a hole of fear that becomes almost impossible to escape from.

So either you like what I wrote, or you don’t.  Maybe you agree, or maybe you think I don’t know what I’m talking about and dreams are meant for Disney movies.  Either way, I’m happy today because I don’t believe in the word “Quit”.

(and those Disney movies all have good endings. just sayin’)

this is a ring my mother gave me a few years ago. it is a simple silver band that reads "wishes do come true" ( I wear it on my middle finger.)

In that span of time, I packed, unpacked, packed and unpacked and gave away a lot of things in the process.  With each suitcase, there was an equivalent of items i gave away.  I guess after you move so many times, you start seeing what is really important, or rather, how much is not.  I’ve become very unattached to material items and all those knick knacks we claim to “need”.  It’s very liberating to look at your luggage, knowing everything you own is in them and you could technically go anywhere.

The suitcases and I went back to NYC (for now).

Following that move, which was surreal being that basically a year had passed in LA, I reacquainted myself with Metro Cards, using my legs for walking miles at a time, and attempted to quit drinking coffee (mission unaccomplished.)  In the midst of it I helped pack up the house I grew up in New Jersey for the past 10 years, which was another odd experience.  In moments like those you realize how non-existent time really is.

As I was packing, I came across a copy of the wonderful Dr. Seuss’s “Oh The Places You’ll Go”.  Yes, it’s in the children’s section, but I decided to sit down on one of the moving boxes and read it again for the first time in years.  Reading it with adult eyes, I saw how the message disguised behind rhyme is actually a very mature one.

We don’t visit just physical places, but emotional places as well, and there have been times myself where I’ve wondered “what’s the point of having me go through this?” Frustration, anger, confusion- there are so many obstacles that usually seem just plain cruel.  After they’ve passed however, is usually when you see why they had to happen. It sounds cliché, I’m sure, to a lot of people to say “things happen for a reason”.  But if I eliminate even one challenging experience of mine, I wouldn’t know what I do now.

This month I had my 20th birthday, and I look forward to the next decade, and all the places it will take me.

I’ll end this short post with the Dr. Seuss poem in full.  It so beautifully and simply defines life’s rollercoaster. Read it again, and maybe just for a moment you’ll realize that those up’s and down’s are 100% normal.

“Oh the Places You’ll Go!”
By Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day,
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to says so
but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you should go in,should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or maybe not quite?
Or go around and back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long and wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where boom bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t.
Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not.
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many stray birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with you left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed!)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So…
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Alenn O’Shea
you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So… get on your way!

who’s been on this earth for 52 years
for a long time i was angry at this man boy
then the anger turned to frustration, the frustration into tears
but then with the eye of an adult, i looked at the man boy like the child he really is
was his sad outcome of a life the fault of others, or was the fault all his?
i was trying to figure it out, trying to see which was the worst:
those who feed delusion or  those who created the delusion first
i began to see this sad story of a man boy
who aged in physicality but not in mentality
Instead he remained a boy; handicapped by those who supported his fantasy
Even his attempt(s) at employment became a constant travesty
Over the years, this man boy had 3 little children of his own
The only difference is that he remains a child while his children are all full grown
He convinces himself that he has no money because of the recession
(when the truth is that his recession has been in existence for 30 years)
He convinces himself that he had a relationship with his daughter
(when the truth is, she didn’t want to see him at the age of 12. but her mother insisted she see him- for those next 5 years)
He convinces himself the wife who left him is to blame.
(when the truth is, she raised those 3 children alone even before the divorce- he’ll try to refute this claim)

It’s easier for him to live in this place of illusion.
What would happen if he woke up one day
And realized all his actions have led to a state of seclusion?
It’s easier for him to live blaming another for what he hasn’t got
What would happen if he woke up one day
And realized that at the end of life it won’t matter who he blames
It will only matter what his life was or in  this case, what it was not

After he reads this, he’ll share it with those who feed his illusion (again)
After that, he’ll convince himself of being the victim (again)
After that he’ll find some way to lash out, never being one to control his temper (again)
and again, and again, and again. repeating the same things. over and over and over.

never moving forward, always treading water or living in the past
that is the main reason none of his relationships last.

The bottom line?
The man boy still has no relationship with his daughter.
He still has no constant job.
He still lives in his own world.
The only difference now?
The amount of people willing to ride his Emotional Roller coaster are dwindling down.

What this 52 year old little boy doesn’t know?
Even though his mind may be small
He had the greatest impact on my life, without actually being in it at all.

***

I’ve always found it fascinating how people can create their own version of the truth if they believe in it hard enough.  Or even more fascinating,  how other people around them are willing to support that fantasy world.  I used to think it may be their inability to face the truth, but now I’ve begun to realize that running from the truth is the only way for them to stay alive.  Well in the end, no matter what, there is ultimately one version of the truth.  There will always be the child in the situation, and I’ve learned its best to let them be and let them live in their imagined version of reality.

I’ve been in L.A for a solid 8 months now. (Yes… that was supposed to be only from May- August… And yes it was then it was supposed to be from August till November… okay fine, after that I did say till December but now I’m just going with what I always do: living day by day).  I said that’s how I’d play it out when I got here and I’ve kept my word so far.  You just don’t know where your mindset will be in a week, a month, or a year.  So like always, I have a destination and a goal but I am not going to control how I get there. (As long as I reach my destination, that’s all that matters. Theoretically none of us will ever reach that “one destination” since it will be forever changing as we grow, but as long as you have something to aim for, life will be exciting each and every day).

Anyway, back to whatever train of thought I  started with, I’m in my 3rd apartment in 8 months (somewhere in the middle I stayed at a friend’s place between apartments 1 and 3 so I’ve just taken the term “nomad” as additional adjective to my character).  Even though moving around with my clothes, a few books and my coffee pot has gotten tiring, I don’t entirely mind it.  I’ve gotten to meet some great people, experience different areas of this city in a few months, and I also thrive off of Change.  So now that I’ve unpacked (again) into my 3rd place I’ve sat down to try and make another effort at an entry, and most likely just bored you with my ramblings on apartment hopping.

So, I’m going to do a full flip on where I was headed with this post because its something that has been on my mind and usually brought up in conversation with anyone I talk to: Reality T.V.

When I say “Reality T.V” I am not talking about competition shows like Top Chef (which I love) or talent competitions like X-Factor or American Idol.  Those to me, are strictly “Competition Shows” and in a completely different category.  The show’s I have an issue with are ones such as “Jersey Shore”.  I know how many people watch it- even friends of mine or people I work with LOVE it and call it their “Guilty Pleasure”. Fine.  I’m not judging you, I’m not even really judging the kids on the show (or at least trying not to).  It’s their life, do what you want with it.  However, I do think its  irresponsible and appalling for them to be getting paid what they get paid (reportedly $30,000 per episode ) for a camera to follow them around partying etc. To give celebrity status and outrageous amounts of money to kids in exchange for documentation of their flings, partying, drinking and pointless cat fights, while there are people without jobs in this economy, is repulsive.

I know coming from a young person, people may read this and say it’s uptight and that the Jersey Shore kids are just having fun.  Some people who agree with me justify it by saying how entertaining it is. But like I said, the problem is that the media is feeding this fire like its “normal” or “okay” to live that way on a daily basis. Don’t have shows like this air and then go ask kids not to do the exact same thing.  What kind of message do you think it’s giving? The young audience that “Jersey Shore” has gathered, or even a show like “Teen Mom” (which I won’t even get started on) is now the fan base for people like “Snooki” or “The Situation”.  To even further how awful it’s gotten, Scholastic went and published (dare I even give it the right to be described by the word “novel”) ” A Shore Thing” by none other than Snooki herself.  What a slap in the face to the many authors who send in manuscripts every day to publishing houses, dreaming of getting into one such as Scholastic, only to be rejected again and again.  But it sells right? “Jersey Shore” is whats big right now, which means an automatic ‘fan’ base, which means the bottom line: money.  So it doesn’t matter that there is absolutely nothing substantial, educational, imaginative or mind stimulating about Snooki’s little guidette masterpiece.  As long as it sells, who cares what’s being printed.

My Bottom Line? That’s sad.  It’s sad on so many levels that this is what gets attention these days.  It’s sad that there are talented people out there who will never get the opportunity to voice their opinion and have it matter half as much as Snooki’s Tanning Salon preference.

Hopefully at some point people will realize that its more embarrassing for people to be seen that way, no matter how much money or fame is involved.  Unfortunately, I doubt it.  So, safely assuming a lot of people will read my entry and say “whatever” or “who cares, it’s a hilarious show!” I stand by my point and don’t plan on dumbing my opinion down just because most of our culture is.

I have my “Thank You” page that I started over a year ago and I’m so glad I did.   Because whenever I go back to look at it I realize that the fortunes we have on a daily basis far outweigh the misfortunes.

This Thanksgiving was “a first” for me.  For one, it was my first Thanksgiving not on the East Coast.  I must admit I do miss the season change.  While LA folk claim that “it gets chilly, just wait!” it really doesn’t.  More like it goes from Summer heat to a Spring breeze.  At night, yes its ‘chilly’ but nothing like that slap in the face of an East Coast winter.  The kind of cold that chills you to your bone.  I think the reason I miss that weather (despite that when you’re actually in it you’d do anything for a California vacation) is the feeling of time passing.  Seasons changing let you know that life is moving on, changing and you need to change with it.

So while I miss that “Autumn in New York” I like experiencing new things.  I’m trying to get used to hearing Christmas music on the radio while I drive by the Palm Trees which are replacing my usual Oak Trees.  I accept it, acknowledge it and move on.

Yesterday however, as I ate my Turkey Dinner, I realized the best part was that I was with new people, in a new place and I didn’t have to sit at a table with people who I couldn’t stand.  There was no emotional eating, just happy feasting on good food.  I did miss my Mother and two younger brothers however I also loved knowing that I’ve built my life around very few people; not necessarily ‘related’ by DNA but closer to my definition of “Family”.  I’m only 19, so I do have the rest of my life to meet people, work with people and have Thanksgiving with different people.  One thing I’m proud to say though, is that I am extremely picky about the company I keep.  Always have been, always will be.  I’ve never seen the point in massive groups; unless you are really fortunate enough to find that many ‘good eggs’.

I’ve been in LA for 7 months now.  Something I never thought I’d be saying in November, but the reason I am okay with it is I took each day as it came.  I’ve met many people whether it be in the grocery store, at auditions, at work or even by introduction.  Yet still keep the company strict.  Picky is a good thing in my book, when it comes to any form of a relationship.  This doesn’t mean you wont change your mind about someone after a few years or not being friendly with everyone-its just that the definition of “friend” and “friendly” are very different in my opinion.

Yesterday I was thankful for everyone I’ve ever met or known.  If we take the time to pay attention and acknowledge people, we’d realize how many of them can impact our lives.

I’m Thankful that I not only found my passion in life but made the decision to follow it.  Thankful for the people who believe in me, thankful for the few friends I have, thankful for my mother and two younger brothers, thankful for my eyes, health, legs, and skin.

Last night as the rich combination of different food groups digested, I sat back pretty happy with everything.  Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays and this year I was glad to still be here, with the rest of my life ahead of me.

Now, it’s time for a good workout to get rid of yesterdays indulgence and clear my head.

Till next time.

xx

PS: (Thanks for reading)

just found Jan von Holleben's Photography and absolutely love it. Creative, imaginative and beautiful.

(cont… in ‘the darkroom’ page)